Know Your Hipster

You may not realize it, but hipsters have truly infiltrated mainstream culture. You may have a hipster as a neighbor, a coworker, or even a close friend. But who are these V-Neck wearing, Ray Ban sporting, seemingly anemic twenty-somethings really? You probably have found their behavior confounding. You may wonder whether or not a subculture characterized by apathy and irony can really be considered a counterculture. At some point you may have asked yourself whether or not a counterculture sense of cool is still nonconformist if that which is cool is uniformly agreed upon by a panel of subculture critics and mimicked universally by those immersed within the subculture. You may have tried to educate your hipster friends on the postmodern crisis that you see as embodied by the hipster mentality, only to find that the books that you recommended were neglected in favor of postmodern style defining magazines like Vice and blogs like Pitchfork.

My friends, while your intentions are no doubt pure, your actions are misguided! You need not try to convert these hipster friends back to mainstream culture! Instead, we must come to understand this unfairly maligned subculture! Thus, in my infinite wisdom, I have compiled a "who's who" list of hipster idols in hopes that society can finally come to understand and accept hipsters amongst their ranks.

Stephen Malkmus: Frontman of seminal garage rock band Pavement, Malkmus is truly the William Hung success story of indie rock. Crooning nonsenical lyrics atonally over songs that often consist of no more than three or four chords, Pavement's albums still somehow end up on most critics top ten of the 90's lists. Malkmus is a guiding light for hipsters who hope their lack of ambition and nonchalance can take them far.



Beetle Bailey is certainly not an obvious reference point for hipsters. After all, his service in the military exemplifies a particular tenant which hipsters rally against: civic duty. But don't be fooled by first glance. Beetle Bailey's commitment to napping and avoiding work have long been continued by a current generation of unemployed, apathetic hipsters living off their parents' upper middle class salaries. Plus, Beetle Bailey single-handedly made the flipped brim cap cool.


The Wu-Tang Clan: Hipsters can in no way relate to the Wu-Tang Clan. Songs about drug peddling, gun violence, and life-threatening situations are experiences that no hipster can connect to on any level. Yet the irony of the upper middle class listening to gangsta rap music is central to the appeal of the music. Also, hipsters have an inexplicable connection with the lower class (see also: PBR/Salvation Army fascination) inspite of the fact most hipsters have never worked a day in their entire life.


Allen Ginsberg: Another surprising choice for a hipster mentor. He's balding, smiles in photos, and would not look good in a pair of skinny jeans. Still, Ginsberg's classic poem "Howl" speaks to this generation of hipsters, particularly in its criticism of a prevailing sense of materialism and conformity commonly exemplified by today's hipsters. Also, he did a lot of drugs, which is cool.



Stefan Urquelle: The result of a lab experiment where nerd-of-note Steve Urkel (notice the similarity in names) successfully concocts a potion of "cool juice", transforming him from a socially awkward high schooler spurned by the far more attractive Laura Winslow into a smooth talking, fashionable casanova. The transformation of Steve Urkel is similar to the common development of many hipsters, who often start out as unpopular nerdy types before developing the same elitist, narcissistic mentality of the popular kids who once made their lives miserable.


So the next time you see a hipster smoking European cigarettes outside of the local vegan eatery, maybe instead of shouting obscenities in his or her general direction, pull out a Parliament of your own and chat about the latest Pitchfork review. You will no doubt be thoroughly enriched by the experience.